I have rich-world problems, but I know it.
The other day I was quite overwhelmed. Not by classes, not by long, grueling, back-breaking work hours, not by struggling to feed my family or worrying about civil war breaking out in my community. I was overwhelmed simply because I realized that my original MCAT date was just one month away and I had only gotten through 5 out of 40+ sections of content review. It would be near impossible to do the content review topic by topic at the depth I wanted to, let alone practice the actual exam a dozen times, in just 4 short weeks. For some perspective, it takes me at least an hour or two to just do one topic in the content review.
For my fellow MCAT friends, I'll say that I'm trying to go at it alone. Well, technically, not TOTALLY alone. I have the Princeton Review and Kaplan set of MCAT books, but most of all I'm basing my study "plan" on the WikiPremed MCAT page which has great lecture videos and print-out study PDFs. I am using these in conjunction with the Kaplan books for starters (I find the Princeton Review ones sometimes contain a little too much detail, but I'm keeping them around for reference if needed). I know lots of people take prep classes offered by various organizations, but I also know it's doable without having to spend $2000+ and not having the flexibility to modify study plans a tiny bit when needed or not having availability near me. Yes, there are online forms of the class, but they're still $2000 (some even range up to $8000!!!). WikiPremed MCAT page is open-source, well put together, and rather than simply reviewing physics, general chemistry, organic chemistry, and verbal reasoning in a vacuum, it tries to build the study plan from an integrated perspective - learning how the physics topics you covered in class explain the chemistry, and how the chemistry is reflected in what we see in biology. In this way, I think it's unique from other programs.
Now I had originally set my MCAT date as May 18th, and looking back that was wayyy optimistic. I was still in the middle of second quarter of organic chemistry and physics, both with quite a bit of lab work. Long story short, I simply dabbled in studying rather than strictly following a plan. I felt disorganized, unfocused, and unproductive.
Yesterday's near-meltdown was a result of feeling like I wouldn't be able to do it alone, that this overwhelming amount of information (from chemical thermodynamics to electrophilic aromatic substitution to how to approach lengthy and lofty philosophical topics) would be impossible to tackle no matter how much time I had. I felt like while this is something I've wanted all my life, the millions of people before me that have sat the exam must be super smart - not that they might just be more disciplined than me at the moment. I had two choices ... should I simply "do what I could", get a less-than-average score, and just plan on retaking the exam? Or should I put my ego and unrealistic optimism aside, pay the rescheduling fee, gather some more self-discipline, and set a more realistic test date after re-evaluating my plan of attack?
Talking with Ian for quite a while about all of this was really helpful ... he always knows how to combine just the right amount of support with a gentle amount of not letting me make too many excuses for myself. I decided that having adequate time to give a solid effort one time is much better than fumbling through this whole thing the first time around, then somehow finding the energy and desire to continue another two months studying just to retake it again. Solid, give-it-my-best, one-time shot at the exam, or unnecessary two-shot process which drags it all out even longer ... seems like a no-brainer, but it took some thinking through for me.
So, after spending all of yesterday cozied up in the cabin by the water eating homemade quesadillas, drinking a big pot of pu-erh tea, and watching movies with 4 layers of blankets all around to shake off this bad spell, I woke up today and wrote out my plan. Not just an arbitrary "do some verbal reasoning passages today" kind of plan, but a real, day-by-day, topic-by-topic plan of my content review. A plan that I will not deviate from. After all of that was done, I found that I had a solid month being able to focus solely on practice MCAT exams - two per week, with adequate time to review mistakes I made and rest mentally before attempting another. A solid month after physics class is done to focus my head around navigating the tricks of the test ... correctly identifying that what appears in the passage as a biology problem is actually testing physics principles, or understanding how to approach those touchey-feeley, nuanced verbal passages.
I'm feeling a lot better now ... a lot less overwhelmed, a lot more confident about what I'm going to do and how I'm going to achieve my goal score. I'm a lot more determined to own this test rather than let it own me, which is what happened over the past month of my unfocused "studying". I'm not going to let my study breaks drag on for an hour or two, and I'm not going to waste an hour on facebook. Even my love of cooking will have to be pulled back for now because doing extra dishes takes extra time. Efficiency, genuine discipline, and renewed focus. This is what I've always wanted and it's time I actually prove to myself that this is true. With the rest of my academic and personal background pulling for me as a solid applicant, my last hurdle at the moment is a solid MCAT score. Hundreds of thousands have taken it before me, and hundreds of thousands will take it after me, and this exam will be nothing compared to what will come in the future as a physician.
So with all that, I'm dedicating the next three months to myself - selfishness in a good way, I guess. Maybe the unexpected solar flare that will result in a beautiful aurora borealis visible even here in Washington tonight is a sign ... haha. Personal encouragement from the universe.
I guess in a month I'll update with how this plan has been going so far. The path to medicine is a marathon, not a sprint. But it's also far from impossible - it's just a matter of tackling one challenge after the next. I can try out being a little bit of a hermit for now ... like Thoreau in Walden. Write me a letter (I'll write back) ... or send me an email, but it's goodbye Facebook for a while. I'm sure I'll survive ;-)
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